sensual obscenities

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Oct. 16th, 2010

dear mom,

i miss you so much.

without, you, without homie, without bella, it's like i've got no place to call home anymore.

no one else would love and care about me unconditionally, the way you guys would.
no one would bother losing sleep just because they're worried about my health or well-being, or even if I'm upset.
no one else would love me the way you 3 do.
no one else would understand me like you.

i miss you guys so much, and i really need all of you.

but please don't be mistaken, mom.
you've done enough and put in enough for me. it's time for you to be free and fly.
to do whatever you want without worrying about me.

i need you to be happy.

but just for now,
all i want to to is cry, cry, cry.

because it hurts that I'm the one left behind.

yours truly alone,
crystal

Aug. 4th, 2010

why bother locking this entry

since you won't even be reading it.

I don't remember a last time when I felt this way.
So lost that I feel sick to the stomach.

School's been a bitch, I know.
I didn't even have time for myself, let alone anyone.
But I never once expected the toll to be you.

I never thought we'd ever come to this stage.
We were so awesome that I succumbed to groupthinking, and pretty much saw ourselves as indestructable.

I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't study for my finals at all.

I'm a female.

A female who needs to be comforted by the one person she loves, sometimes.

And when I've already gone 3 years without comforting, it doesn't make me stronger, but just a lot more in need of the comfort of the man I love.

I'm just a mere human,too.
I can't be expected to have the strength to talk things out, especially when I have already been feeling so emotionally drained for so long.

I'm drained.
Because only 2 out of 10 days can I emotionally or physically come home to a man who is welcoming and loving. But I'm trying. I'm trying to pretend that I can understand your nonchalant tone in speech, or non-smiling face when we meet, and credit all these to you being tired from work.

I'm tempted.
To just throw away everything and leave, pretending I can live without it. I want to know if I would ever find someone like you again, except more caring to me and not to everyone else but me. Whether I would be able to find someone who, upon hearing that I have been unfairly treated, will promise to "kill that monster for me" and then spend the next 5 mins swearing and bitching about that person.

I'm stressed.
Because my final paper is Friday, and I'm still at least 10 chapters behind. I can't study without music, and yet I can't listen to music without feeling sour in my nose, and besides that, how am I to read with all these liquid blocking my eyes?

I'm confused.
I don't know what I did, I don't know what to do, I don't know what not to do. Where's the script?

I....

I love you, still.

Feb. 8th, 2010

(no subject)

Hello world I'm back.

Posted at 04:12 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Dec. 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

i read back old entires that 2009 has been (for me) a year of particularly little entries.
(and let's just face it. 2009 was a way darker year than i would have wanted it to be)
maybe it's because typing into an empty white box makes me clear out all the noise in my head and see the gravity of my situation.
maybe it's just my little ways of ignoring myself.

but i think back and i realise.
for all the bad stuff that happened this year, there had been a fair share of goodness in it too.
and a big contributor to that would be the love of my life.

yes i can finally say that Windsor is, in fact, The love of my life.
i no longer feel the need to run away looking for diversions every time i feel like he's approaching the inner core of my heart.
i no longer feel afraid of stepping up to a future with him.
i no longer crave testing the waters just to see if i'll find a bigger fish.

(deep breath) gosh how i love my boyfriend.
no one has ever made me feel this certain, nor do i think anybody else can ever.

it's like almost miraculous to me that we are soon to be 30 months old and we still behave like we just met.

baby, i want to thank you.
you've stuck by me throughout my darkest times and promised to always be.

and for that i'd always be yours.

Posted at 03:58 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Oct. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

"uh huh.
ya.

you were saying something?"

Posted at 08:58 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Oct. 17th, 2009

mandatory updates.

number 1: I'm starting my first shift on monday. yay for the money.
number 2: i'm pretty sure a "special" someone out there finally got the message.
number 3: my macbook got out of ICU and is back into my loving arms, at least, until i get my macbook pro.
number 4: cafe world is driving me nuts, staying up just so my "roast beef doesn't rot".
number 5: i had such a busy week that my feet still feel like they're walking when i'm sitting down.

and i'm heading to party world now!

Posted at 12:32 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jul. 27th, 2009

ironically (or lack thereof), this was written on 28 June 2007

I think it's time, we give it up
And figure out what's stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you're ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies

You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies

You're moving too fast for me
And I can't keep up with you
Maybe if you'd slowed down for me
I could see you're only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

So plant the thought and watch it grow
Wind it up and let it go

Posted at 02:38 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jul. 26th, 2009

where are you my angel now, don't you see me crying?

Where are you my angel now
don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying
I'm on my knees in front of him
but he doesn't seem to see me
But all his troubles on his mind
he's looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down
beside this fire in you
And I wish that you could see
that half my troubles too

Looking at you sleeping
I'm with the man I love
I'm sitting here weeping
while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the morning
I'll have to let you go
And you'll be just a man
once I used to know
And for these past few days
someone I don't recognise
This isn't all my fault
when will you realise

Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign